“Conflict” Etymology – Borrowed from Latin cōnflīctus, past participle of confligere (“to strike together”), from com- (“together”) (a form of con-) + fligere (“to strike”)
Ancient battle references aside, everyday conversational conflict still feels threatening, even in our modern age. Depending on a person’s genetics and environmental conditioning, it is theorized they will respond to conflict (on average) in one of four ways.
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Competitive Confrontation: Overtly direct, aggressive, and forceful
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Passivity: Trying to please/Giving up on one’s own needs
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Passive Aggressive: Manipulating language and actions (often hostile) while faking everything is alright
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Conflict Avoidance: Pretending it’s not there
These are manufactured solutions people often unconsciously resort to when their needs wish to be met, and each one of them is informed by its own mental reasoning full of pros and cons.
Whatever default modes are present in a given interaction, it’s probably not anyone’s fault. (These conflict styles are probably “working” to some extent! They maybe even helped someone survive a terrible situation in the past.) But it is everyone’s responsibility to understand the implications of each style, gain self-awareness, re-socialize at a higher level, and make a more conscious choice in the future.
“Being aware of our habitual conflict styles allows us to transform the underlying beliefs and emotions that hold them in place and to make different choices.” – From Say What You Mean by Oren Jay Sofer
“Our intentions, views, and experiences reinforce each other: views determine intentions, intentions shape experiences, and experiences confirm our views. Shifting our view therefore can change our intentions and our experience.”– From Say What You Mean by Oren Jay Sofer
Style: Competitive Confrontation
Driven by beliefs such as:
- I get what I want when I want it. Nothing stands in my way.
- I’m completely on my own (yet superior), so it’s “my way or the highway.”
- Fighting directly is the only way to keep my power.
- If I show my sensitivity, they will try to use it against me.
- My views are always right.
Any strengths?
- People know where this person stands
- They appear put together and “full of courage”
- Clarity about an issue now out in the open
What it lacks:
- Empathy
- The reality of someone else’s valid point of view
- The reality of someone else’s needs
- The ability to inspire long-term change
- Being in touch with one’s inner world
How it shows up:
- Coercion/threats (with fear underneath the surface)
- Pointing out someone’s faults (personal attacks)
- Unrealistic demands
- Rigidity
- Can be a reaction after years of passivity, passive aggressiveness, or conflict avoidance
The cost:
- The average person will avoid this person = isolation
- The average person will avoid being honest with this person = loss of intimacy
- Lack of collaboration = lack of creativity
- Comprised respect
- Loss of genuine power and control
- Loss of entire relationships
Core needs for this person:
- Safety
- Autonomy
- Effectiveness
- Validation
Style: Passivity
Driven by beliefs such as:
- I’m bad. I’ve made a lot of mistakes.
- I don’t deserve a better life.
- My opinions don’t matter.
- I can only be liked by doing what they want.
- When I go along for the ride, everything ends up fine.
Any strengths?
- This person seems like they go with the flow.
- Self-controlled
- They anticipate conflict well.
- Good at adapting
- They appear very giving.
What it lacks:
- A long term solution
- One entire side of the equation
- Getting what the person actually wants
How it shows up:
- Blaming oneself
- Apologizing constantly
- Being a “pushover”
- Accepting the preferences of others
- Waiting forever for a chance to take a turn
- Nodding in agreement to everything
The cost:
- Resentment
- Losing touch with one’s own needs and wants
- Not being known as an individual
- Forming underdeveloped opinions (or none at all)
- Suppression that may lead to sudden aggression
- Lack of depth and trust in a relationship
Core needs for this person:
- Safety
- Peace
- Belonging
Style: Passive Aggressive Behavior
Driven by beliefs such as:
- Speaking up will just make this worse
- There are no options. I feel helpless.
- No one notices my needs
- What I want doesn’t matter
- They should read my mind
Any strengths?
- Points for creativity
- Intuition and awareness
- Action is being taken
- Communication is being attempted
- The passive aggressive person is still in touch with what they want
What it lacks:
- Directness
- Collaborative problem solving
- Honesty
- Empathy
How it shows up:
- Expecting others to infer thoughts from confusing behaviors
- Indirect speech
- Grudges/Contempt
- Sulking after agreeing to do something
- “Forgetting” on purpose to do something
- Doing a bad job in order to not be asked again
- Creating busy work for someone else
The cost:
- Enemies
- Disempowerment
- Disgust and shame
- Bad habits
Core needs for this person:
- Safety
- Belonging
- Agency
- Choice
Style: Conflict Avoidance
Driven by beliefs such as:
- “I’ll make a mistake if I bring this up. I’ll go too far.”
- “Why even try. They won’t change.”
- “No one listened in the past.”
- “I was gaslighted and my memory was questioned last time. It’s better to stay safe.”
- “They will leave me if they know my thoughts.”
Any strengths?
- Tolerance
- Flexibility and adaptability
- Intense awareness (often of the needs of others)
- The desire to preserve a relationship or someone’s feelings
- Keeping the peace
What it lacks:
- Directness
- Planning
- Strategies for dealing with stress
- A better solution that includes the other person
How it shows up:
- Ignoring problems on the surface (but obsessing internally)
- Faking it
- Changing the subject
- Avoiding a difficult conversation
- Dodging requests
- Focusing only on positive things
The cost:
- Resentment
- Apathy for life
- Distrust
- Confusion
- Loss of a relationship
Core needs for this person:
- Safety
- Trust
- Connection
- Belonging
How do we evolve beyond our conflict style?
“If you are out at sea, and the only thing you have to stay afloat is a log, you’re not going to let go until something better comes along. The concepts and practices… are like a stabler, nimbler raft.”
“Once you see the pattern, investigate its benefits and its limits. Seeing this clearly will increase your motivation to try the new tools. The trick is to start small. In strength training, you start with five or ten pounds, not one hundred. The more you have small successes, the more your nervous system will trust and remember there’s a new way of doing this.” – From Say What You Mean by Oren Jay Sofer
Most of us are conditioned by negative experiences from the past. This isn’t as simple as thinking negative or positive thoughts. It’s our entire nervous system coordinating an anticipated experience based on a narrow view of reality formed long ago.
If you’ve seen your deeper values, your love for a person or project, or your ability to view a situation from different perspectives somehow instantly disappear in a moment of fight or flight, you are not alone. Habits only stick around when they serve some function. In order to switch them out for something better, you have to believe there is a different way and believe you have the confidence and ability to learn it, practice it, and fail along the way.
Mindfulness is the primary tool for loosening the grip of the past.
- Become aware of what’s happening (What mode of conflict did I just fall into?)
- What is my intention?
- Identify the needs that belong to the other person (and yourself!)
- What is a different way to meet those needs?
- What does collaboration look like?
- What needs to happen next?
- What is a different way to make it happen?
Additional Quotes Come From “Say What You Mean” by Oren Jay Sofer
Requests for Dialogue
- “Would you be willing to take some time to have a conversation with me about [topic]?”
- “Could we sit down together and look at what we both need to see if we can find a way to work this out?”
Offering Empathy
- “Let me see if I’m understanding. What I’m getting is …?”
- “I want to make sure I’m getting it. It sounds like … ?”
- “Here’s what I’m hearing … Is that right?”
Eliciting Information
- “Tell me more.”
- “Anything else you’d like me to understand about this?”
Requests for Empathy
- “What would be most helpful for me is just to be heard. Would you be willing to listen for a bit and tell me what you’re hearing?”
- “I just said a lot and I’m not sure it all came out the way I was intending. Could you tell me what you got from all that?”
- “What I just said is really important to me. Would you be willing to tell me what you’re getting?”
Inserting a pause
- “I’d like a moment to gather my thoughts.”
- “I’m not sure. Let me think about that.”
- “This sounds important. I’d like to give it some time.”
- “I’d like some time to take that in. Can we pause here for a moment?”
Taking a Break: To Pause a Conversation
- “I’d really like to continue our conversation, and I’m not in the best frame of mind to do that right now. Can we take a break and come back to this…?”
- “I’d really like to hear what you have to say, and I’m feeling a little overwhelmed, so I don’t think I’ll be able to listen well. Could we take a break and continue tomorrow?”
- “I’m committed to figuring this out together and don’t quite have the space to think clearly now. Can we put this on hold until …?”
- “I want to finish our conversation, and I don’t think anything else I say right now will be useful. Could we take a break until …”
- “T’d really like to hear what you have to say, but the way you’re saying it is making that very difficult. I wonder if you’d be willing to … … try explaining what’s happening for you in a different way?” … take a break until we’ve both had a chance to reflect on this?” … let me have a moment to tell you what’s going on for me?”
Interrupting
- “Let me make sure I’m still with you …”
- “I want to make sure I’m getting everything you said. Can we pause for a moment so I can make sure I’m following it all?”
- “I want to hear the rest of what you’re saying, and I’m starting to lose track. Can I summarize what I’m hearing so far?”
- “I want you to continue, but I’m a bit confused. May I ask a question?”
- “I want to keep listening, and there’s something I want to clarify.
- May I respond for a moment?”
Redirecting
- “I’m glad you mentioned that. Before we go there, I’d like to say one or two more things about…”
- “I appreciate you bringing that up. I want to discuss that in a minute, but first I’d like to touch on …”
- “Yes, that’s important. Can we finish talking about this first, and come back to that in a moment?”
Hearing No
- “I’m curious to know, why not? Could you share more?”
- “What’s leading you to say no? Do you have other ideas?”
- “Can we take some time to brainstorm ideas that could work for both of us?”
- “What would you need to know, or what could I do, to make it possible for you to say yes?”
Saying No
- “I’d like to say yes, and here’s what’s getting in the way of that right now.”
- “I’m hearing how important this is to you, and I’m not seeing how I can make it work given that I also have a need for… Could we explore some other options that might work for you?”
- “I can’t agree to that without a significant cost to myself in terms of. [other needs]. Would it work for you if we tried … instead?”
Requests for Do-Overs
- “That didn’t come out quite right. Can I try that again?”
- “I feel like we got off to the wrong start. Could we start over?”
- “I’m concerned some of the things I said aren’t helping. Would you be willing to let me try again?”
- “Things didn’t really go the way I was hoping when we talked.
- Could we try having the conversation again?
Optional Journal Questions:
- What is your primary conflict style? How do you know?
- What conflict styles do you find in your friends and family? How do you know?
- Do you have a harder time hearing no or saying no?
- Do you find any of the above scripted responses helpful?
Go Deeper/Resources:
Book: Say What You Mean by Oren Jay Sofer
Book: Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Bertram Rosenberg
Sibling Conflict: https://www.giftedlearninglab.com/siblings#:~:text=Validation%20is%20essential%20for%20intense,and%20heard%20%2D%20and%20that’s%20regulating.
From Davidson: https://www.davidsongifted.org/gifted-blog/managing-frustration-and-difficult-feelings-in-gifted-children/
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