“Be nice to yourself. It’s hard to be happy when someone’s mean to you all the time.” – Christine Arylo
Although often used interchangeably, self-esteem and self-acceptance are different from one another. Self-esteem refers to how you see yourself. Self-acceptance is about feeling satisfied with your life even with your past mistakes and flaws. True self-acceptance involves accepting yourself fully (both the negative and positive aspects).
Consider this example:
Emma often felt good about herself when she excelled academically or received praise, reflecting self-esteem, which is based on how we see ourselves through achievements. However, when she made mistakes or didn’t meet expectations, her confidence would drop, leaving her feeling worthless. In contrast, self-acceptance involves embracing both strengths and flaws. Emma realized that to feel truly content, she needed to accept herself even when things didn’t go perfectly – acknowledging her mistakes and imperfections as part of life, rather than letting them define her worth. This shift helped her build a deeper, more stable sense of self.
Moving from context dependent self-esteem to universal self-acceptance can be very hard to do. It’s worth trying though, because people with self-acceptance enjoy many benefits including:
- Higher emotional, physical, and mental well-being
- Better relationships with others (less suppressed emotion = better connection)
- High motivation while chasing worthy goals in life
- Healthy humility (a deep realization about being one piece of a much bigger universe)
- Clear perceptions of reality (neither too pessimistic or idealistic)
- Better problem-solving ability (realistic perceptions lead to better planning and outcomes)
- Better self-understanding (aware of gifts and talents + how to use them)
- Less suppression of feelings = resolved issues
- Healthy sense of control over life
- Forgive easier (both others and oneself)
Most of us would love to have more of the above qualities in our lives. How do we get there? Unfortunately, many of us engage in self-doubt and criticism. We have a critical inner voice that can drag down our confidence. For this reason, it’s important to view self-acceptance as a skill we can practice over time. We won’t be “perfect” at it at first, and that’s OK. Here are some ways to get started:
- See each day as a chance to learn something new about yourself, human behavior, and the world.
- Surround yourself with people you feel good around.
- Spend time doing what you love. Focus on your strengths. Notice how good you feel.
- Try something new (step outside of your routine once in a while). Explore. Find new talents. Learn about your strengths and weaknesses.
- Develop a strong-sense of self-awareness. Watch your thoughts. Acknowledge what you notice. Consider journaling on a frequent basis.
- Practice “relaxed awareness” and be mindful of living in the moment. Instead of worrying about the past or future, focus on what you can do in the short-term.
- Create goals and focus on your goals.
- Cultivate healthy habits.
- Learn to accept what you cannot change (regarding the way your mind works, etc.)
- Don’t worry about what other people think. Stop comparing yourself to others. (I have a different lesson devoted to this entire topic.)
- Learn to forgive yourself for past mistakes
This last point deserves some targeted attention. Forgiving yourself for past mistakes is an important but often challenging step in personal growth. It requires more than just brushing off guilt or moving on quickly – it involves genuine reflection, empathy, tackling self-oriented perfectionism, and a commitment to learning from the experience. It’s a process that requires time, effort, and sometimes, the support of others.
- Acknowledge the mistake you made. Taking genuine responsibility can minimize feelings of guilt.
- Try to figure out your motivation. Why did you behave the way you did? What could prevent this in the future? Is there some environmental change to be made?
- Distinguish between guilt and shame. Guilt is a normal reaction inspiring you to make changes or not do something again. Shame is not as useful since it only undermines your self-worth. Handling shame and perfectionism may require help from others.
- Strive to be empathetic towards yourself and any other people involved. What does this mistake look like from their perspective? How do you know?
- Decide to learn from the experience. What would you do differently next time? Could this be a learning experience that will help you make better choices in the future?
- Think of a way it could have been worse. It almost always could have been worse. Did you avoid throwing others under the bus? Did you avoid sending a text or saying it on social media? Were you originally motivated to help someone make a positive change? It could have been worse.
“My recommendation is this: Forget about self-esteem and concentrate more on self-control and self-discipline. Recent work suggests this would be good for the individual and good for society.” – Roy Baumeister, a psychologist at Florida State
Optional Journaling Questions
- Look over the benefits of self-acceptance (first list). Which ones get you the most excited? (For example, I would love to have space freed up in my mind for better problem-solving ability!)
- Why do you think self-acceptance is hard for some people and easier for others?
- Look over the list on how to improve your self-acceptance. Which ones on the list do you already do? Which one could you try tomorrow? Which one seems the hardest to try? Why?
- If you are acquainted with Dabrowski’s Theory of Positive Disintegration, which outlines the process of personal growth through psychological conflict and disintegration of previous values, at what stage do you believe individuals most commonly encounter difficulties when attempting to achieve self-forgiveness? Specifically, which part of this theory might contribute to challenges in reconciling past actions, and how do the internal conflicts within these stages impact one’s ability to move past feelings of guilt or shame in the process of self-acceptance and healing?
Go Deeper/Resources
Living With Intensity by by
https://www.sengifted.org/post/the-affective-side-emotional-issues-of-twice-exceptional-students
https://nrcgt.uconn.edu/research-based_resources/hogerenz/
Posted in Social and Emotional Learning
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