“You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be consistent.” – Unknown

Case Study Examples

Olivia set high expectations for herself – perfect grades, leadership roles, first chair in band, and excelling in sports – all while preparing for college. As the pressure built, she began overthinking every decision. Any grade on any assignment below one hundred percent led to self-blame and anxiety, making her feel like she wasn’t good enough. After speaking with a counselor, Olivia realized her goals were often unrealistic given her time demands and energy. She learned to reassess her expectations, breaking them into smaller, more achievable steps. With a more realistic plan, Olivia was able to reduce her stress, manage her overthinking, and find greater balance.

Max, a twice-exceptional student with ADHD and anxiety, was determined to get into MIT. He refused to consider any other option. His natural talent in math and science drove him to perfect his application, often at the cost of his mental health. The pressure became overwhelming, but with support from his family and therapist, Max learned to balance his intense focus with self-care. Luckily, he was accepted to MIT. Through the process, Max realized the importance of managing his expectations, expanding his options, and taking care of his well-being.

“Sometimes we are plagued by overthinking simply because we have set expectations that far exceed our own abilities or the amount of time available. When we set overly high standards for ourselves, we may end up getting disappointed when we fail to achieve them. Overthinking can lead to feelings of guilt, anger, anxiety, depression, and self-blame… If you are prone to setting unrealistic expectations, it is important to re-evaluate your goals and assess whether they match your talents and skills. You should therefore give yourself ample time to plan your goals and draft a realistic plan of action. By doing so, you will be able to eliminate the tendency to overthink and develop a strong awareness of yourself and the environment around you.” – Derrick Howell

How to Have Realistic Expectations

  1. Acknowledge some things are beyond your control.
  2. Accept your limitations. No matter how much we think about it, we are not able to predict what will happen in our lives or in the world.
  3. Accept what you can’t control so you can focus on changing what you do have power over. Practice time-management. Create a flexible plan.
  4. Practice self-compassion. Try to speak to yourself the way you would speak out loud to a friend. 
  5. Write a letter to yourself. (Think of a situation that caused you to feel disappointment. Write a letter to yourself describing the situation, but without blaming anyone – including yourself. Use this exercise to nurture your feelings and gain realistic expectations about the future.)
  6. Comfort your body. Eat something healthy. Lie down and rest. Massage your own neck, feet, or hands. Take a walk. Anything you can do to improve how you feel physically gives you a dose of self-compassion.
  7. Look for common humanity, universal struggles, chances for mindfulness, and opportunities for self-kindness.

Example of Self-Compassion in Action 

“A high school student doesn’t do as well as she’d hoped on a midterm exam. Instead of beating herself up for not being smart or studious enough, she takes a moment to breathe and reminds herself that everyone has disappointing moments from time to time (common humanity). She acknowledges her negative feelings, but tries not to let them consume her (mindfulness). She thinks about how she would talk to her friends if this happened to them—how comforting and supportive she would be—and tries to treat herself the same way (self-kindness). This helps her feel more able to approach the teacher and ask about study tips for next time.” – Berkeley, Greater Good in Education

Optional Journal Questions

  1. Do you identify with any of the students in our lessons today (Olivia or Max)? In what ways? 
  2. Is there an area of your life (music, sports, academics) where you have unrealistic expectations? What would be a more realistic outcome?
  3. Do you have a realistic plan of action for your goals? Do you have enough time in your schedule to pursue them? If not, please consider “A Hierarchical Goal Framework” (graphic organizer below) to help you think through how your big goal can be broken down into smaller goals. Think through how much time it would take to act on each smaller goal.

Go Deeper/Resources

A Hierarchical Goal Framework: https://www.researchgate.net/figure/Hierarchical-goal-framework-Goals-are-typically-organized-hierarchically-with-fewer_fig1_280771582

https://ggie.berkeley.edu/student-well-being/self-compassion-for-students/

https://www.davidsongifted.org/gifted-blog/appropriate-expectations-for-the-gifted-child/

https://www.davidsongifted.org/gifted-blog/tips-for-students-the-conundrum-of-high-expectations-how-to-support-your-gifted-or-2e-childs-development-when-the-stakes-are-high/

Posted in Executive Functioning, Social and Emotional Learning
Michelle Ptacek in a brown sweater smiles in front of a framed floral picture and globe. Her head is slightly tilted away from camera.
Michelle Ptacek - Educator, Writer, Presenter
Contact Michelle

Classes

Blog posts often have a corresponding class or workshop.

Subscribe

Subscribe to the blog for interesting information about cognitive diversity from Michelle’s research and classes.

Related Posts

Self-Acceptance Vs. Self-Esteem + How to Forgive Yourself

Posted in Social and Emotional Learning

“Be nice to yourself. It’s hard to be happy when someone’s mean to you all the time.” – Christine Arylo Although often used interchangeably, self-esteem and self-acceptance are …

Read more

Perfectionism Explored Through the Lens of Positive Disintegration

Posted in Social and Emotional Learning

Guiding Question: “I often feel that classes focused on social-emotional development for gifted individuals try to “teach” me to overcome perfectionism. However, I value my perfectionism in certain …

Read more