Guiding Question:
“I often feel that classes focused on social-emotional development for gifted individuals try to “teach” me to overcome perfectionism. However, I value my perfectionism in certain situations and actually feel discouraged when it’s framed as a negative trait. Can we have an honest discussion about the positive aspects of perfectionism?”
First of all, that’s such a thoughtful question – thank you for sharing it. Perfectionism is such a complex trait; it can be both a strength and a challenge, depending on the context. On one hand, striving for high standards can drive excellence and lead to impressive results. On the other hand, it can create unnecessary stress and unrealistic expectations.
It’s definitely worth discussing the pros and cons of perfectionism, especially when it comes to neurodiverse individuals who may experience it in unique ways. If you have more thoughts or questions around this topic – or anything else – please feel free to submit them through this link. Inside and outside of class, I enjoy exploring these nuances and creating open, supportive conversations.
Guiding Quotes
“Perfectionism is a potent force that can immobilize or energize, depending on where we focus our attention…. Perfectionists have high standards for themselves, and they experience great pain if they fail to meet those standards. They are sometimes riddled with guilt and shame. Their unrelenting self criticism appears maladjusted…. But this is only one part of the story. The extent of joy that is possible to experience is directly related to the intensity of the struggle in which we engage to reach our goals…” – Living With Intensity
“Giftedness and perfectionism are soulmates. Perfection is an abstract concept. It takes an abstract mind to grasp its meaning and to cherish a vision that does not exist in the concrete world – to yearn for what ought to be.” – Living With Intensity
Perfectionism in the Theory of Positive Disintegration
The Theory of Positive Disintegration (TPD) is a psychological theory of personality growth that suggests people progress through different levels of emotional and intellectual development, often triggered by inner conflict and disintegration. For the purposes of this discussion, we are focusing on just one small facet of TPD—its perspective on perfectionism.
Dabrowski’s theory posits that at lower levels of personal development, perfectionism can be a distorted expression of the desire for self-improvement. However, as a person matures and develops higher values, perfectionism can evolve into a motivating force that drives them to live a more meaningful and purposeful life of service.
Perfectionism, in this context, arises from a dissatisfaction with the present state of things, coupled with a deep yearning to become the person one feels they should be. It involves an inner sense that life holds greater potential beyond the ordinary, and a desire to find purpose by striving to do one’s best and create a life filled with meaning.
Level 1
At this early stage of development, individuals are often blind to their own imperfections and instead direct their attention to the flaws and shortcomings of others. This form of perfectionism, known as “other-oriented perfectionism,” is characterized by a tendency to hold others to unrealistically high standards while failing to recognize or address personal areas for growth. The focus remains outward, with the individual’s sense of perfection tied to the perceived flaws in those around them rather than any cohesive drive for self-improvement.
Level 2
At Level 2, individuals feel a constant need for approval and are often reluctant to try new experiences or creative endeavors due to a deep fear of failure and the anxiety that comes from not meeting their own perfectionistic standards.
At this stage, individuals are heavily influenced by the expectations of their social group, constantly comparing themselves to others and feeling inadequate or better as a result. Their need to excel becomes a way to boost their fragile self-esteem, driving them into a perfectionistic trap. The primary hallmark of this trap is obsession. Perfectionism becomes an all-consuming focus.
Living with such high standards creates a constant state of anxiety, as these individuals fear making mistakes and worry about falling short. They often feel overwhelmed by perceived pressures from others, which can be either real or self-imposed. In this state, perfectionism becomes more of a burden than a source of motivation, as the pursuit of “being perfect” only fuels feelings of stress and insecurity.
Level 3
At Level 3, a healthier form of perfectionism begins to emerge. In this stage, the person becomes a seeker of self-perfection, gaining an awareness of their potential to fully realize their humanity. They recognize a gap between who they are and who they feel they could become, leading to a sense of inadequacy or inferiority in relation to their highest potential. This awareness drives a deep longing to become their best self, motivating them to confront their weaknesses and blind spots.
The individual becomes committed to transforming lower instincts and petty behaviors, striving for personal growth and authenticity. Engaging in creative activities plays a key role in this process, offering opportunities for self-expression, exploration, and discovery. These endeavors encourage individuals to challenge their limitations, embrace imperfection, and foster a more genuine connection to their evolving sense of self.
Level 4
At this stage, the individual has undergone a profound transformation, reconciling much of their inner conflict and embracing a life guided by high ideals. With a greater sense of emotional maturity, they can easily tap into compassion and empathy, deeply understanding the struggles of others.
Their perspective on life is shaped by a clear, thoughtful vision of the meaning behind their experiences, which allows them to navigate challenges with purpose and insight. Perfectionism at this level evolves into an appreciation for the inherent perfection within all aspects of life, recognizing that true fulfillment comes not from striving for flawlessness, but from embracing wholeness.
Level 5
Level 5, often the subject of much speculation, is thought to represent the ultimate perfection of the personality, characterized by a complete absence of inner conflict. At this stage, the individual achieves a profound sense of peace and clarity, having transcended the confusion and turmoil that can define lower stages of development.
They are often seen as a wise figure – someone who can guide others, offering insight and exemplifying the highest values. Autonomy is attained, not just in the sense of independence, but in the ability to operate beyond the chaotic, judgemental aspects of ordinary reality. While the idea of “all is love” is sometimes used to describe this level, it’s better understood as an inner harmony and understanding that transcends conventional human struggles. However, much of what occurs at Level 5 remains speculative, as it is not easily observable or accessible within the typical human experience.
Dynamisms at work regarding perfectionism in the Theory of Positive Disintegration:
- Dissatisfaction with oneself: Frustration and anger over one’s current state.
- Disquietude with oneself: Anxiety and agitation about who one is.
- Inferiority toward oneself: Frustration over perceived personal inadequacies.
- Guilt: Emotional distress caused by a perceived moral failure.
- Shame: Embarrassment or humiliation over one’s deficiencies.
- Hierarchization: The critical assessment and evaluation of one’s own values.
- Astonishment with oneself: Surprise or shock regarding one’s own situation.
- Positive maladjustment: A rebellious stance against societal norms and protest against violations of one’s internal ethical principles.
In addition to Dabrowski’s theory, Maslow viewed the pursuit of perfection as essential to fully realizing one’s potential, equating it with the development and refinement of one’s talents and abilities.
As a result, counselors and educators may not want to completely discourage perfectionistic tendencies, as they can be channeled constructively. Rather than suppressing these traits, professionals can guide clients in directing their perfectionistic drive toward specific, achievable goals.
Theories on Perfectionism
- Mature Peer Influences: Many gifted children prefer older friends or classmates, which can lead them to set standards that align with the expectations of more mature peers. This can increase pressure to meet high expectations and develop perfectionistic tendencies early on.
- Cognitive Awareness and Early Success: Gifted children tend to have advanced cognitive abilities, which allows them to predict the consequences of their actions with greater accuracy. As a result, they are often more successful on their first attempts at tasks, leading to an early pattern of avoiding failure and striving for perfection.
- Avoidance of Failure: From a young age, gifted children may have learned to avoid failure due to their cognitive abilities and early successes. This can result in an ingrained fear of making mistakes, which fuels perfectionistic behaviors and an overemphasis on success.
- The “Addiction” to A’s: Gifted students, particularly in academic settings, can become “addicted” to receiving A’s or perfect grades. Research by Speirs Neumeister (2004) found that early academic success is a key factor in the development of perfectionism in gifted college students, as their identity and self-worth become closely tied to achievement.
- Pressure to Maintain High Standards: Gifted individuals may experience internal or external pressure to consistently perform at a high level. This pressure can stem from family, teachers, or even from their own high expectations, contributing to perfectionistic tendencies and fear of not meeting those standards.
- Striving for Control: Gifted children may also seek perfection as a way of asserting control over their environment. In the face of uncertainty or challenges, perfectionism can offer a sense of security and predictability, reinforcing the desire to “get everything right” in an often unpredictable world.
- Fear of Underachievement: Due to their past successes and abilities, gifted children may develop a fear of underachieving or not meeting expectations. This fear can drive perfectionism as they continually strive to avoid the possibility of perceived inadequacy.
Why Challenge is Good For You
When gifted students aren’t sufficiently challenged, it can contribute to the development of perfectionism. Analyzation of a study on the development of perfectionism in gifted students found that although all participants were identified as gifted in elementary school, none reported finding their early school experiences particularly challenging.
In fact, some participants mentioned they did not face significant academic challenges until they reached Advanced Placement (AP) courses in high school. One participant, John, reflected on how his early academic ease influenced the development of his perfectionism. He explained, “My perfectionism now might have come from the fact that I never really did fail at anything when I was younger. The expectations (for perfection) just grew.” John further noted that had he experienced academic difficulty earlier in life, he believes it would have been “acceptable once in a while, and my perfectionism wouldn’t be that high” (Daniels & Piechowski, 2009).
If the tasks we’re given feel too easy or unengaging, we may go out of our way to make them more complicated in order to find meaning or satisfaction, often pushing ourselves to achieve “perfection” in the process. On the other hand, when faced with more difficult tasks – particularly in environments where competition is emphasized – we may also default to unhealthy perfectionistic behaviors. The combination of easy tasks and the pressure to excel can create a cycle of striving for unattainable standards.
Why Creativity is Good For You
Creative tasks, which have no clear right or wrong answer, and project-based learning, where the process and exploration are valued over simply achieving a correct result, can help break this cycle. These types of tasks encourage us to engage with their work in a way that emphasizes growth, creativity, and effort, rather than simply achieving a perfect outcome. By shifting the focus from perfection to exploration, we may be less likely to develop the kind of dysfunctional perfectionism that is driven by external pressures or lack of challenge.
In addition, students can greatly benefit from reflecting on their work and engaging in activities like writing WIMIs (Why I Missed It) to shift their focus from grades to the learning process itself. This approach helps them understand the value of mistakes and fosters growth.
Thoughts on Healthy Perfectionism
- Striving for high standards can be a constructive form of perfectionism, particularly when it’s driven by the belief that these goals are within one’s capabilities.
- The relentless pursuit of excellence is often what leads to groundbreaking achievements—without the perfectionistic drive, we wouldn’t have game-changing discoveries, legendary athletes, iconic works of art, or trailblazing scientists working tirelessly to solve global challenges.
- Rather than suppressing idealism, maybe it should be nurtured, as it can fuel innovation, creativity, and personal growth.
- Some people continue to argue that healthy perfectionism is a contradiction, primarily because of their narrow view of the term. However, it’s crucial to understand that for some gifted individuals, what seems overly idealistic may actually be achievable.
Perfectionistic tendencies in gifted children are often thought to stem from parenting styles, but interestingly, research shows that factors beyond parental expectations may play a larger role. One study revealed that parental expectations contributed to less than 4% of the variation in children’s perfectionism scores, suggesting that temperament is a much stronger influence.
Some children appear naturally inclined toward orderliness, while others may react more strongly to chaos, indicating that an individual’s temperament can significantly shape their perfectionistic traits. Surprisingly, many gifted children with perfectionistic tendencies actually come from families that are relaxed and have realistic expectations. This points to the possibility that these traits are more rooted in the child’s inherent nature than in the upbringing they receive.
Closing Quotes
“I believe that we hold a double standard when it comes to perfectionism. Few of us would buy a musical recording in which a few notes were missed. We expect perfection. Frankly, I want my surgeon to be a perfectionist who will put everything back exactly where it belongs–with no parts left over. If perfection is of such value in these arenas, perhaps we need to rethink our devaluing of it in children. We admire the fruits of the labors of those who are driven by their desire to achieve perfection, but we cannot cope with the personality trait that leads to those achievements.” – Living With Intensity
“Gifted people tend to work hard to achieve difficult goals. They can immerse themselves for years in a quest (e.g., understanding the relationship between energy and matter). Idealistic, they are often disappointed when they discover that others do not share their values. Many are not satisfied unless they feel they have done their personal best. These are all positive aspects of perfectionism that have been noted repeatedly…“ – Living With Intensity
Go Deeper
- Perfectionism: A Practical Guide to Managing “Never Good Enough” by Lisa Van Gemert
- The Perfectionism Trap by Thomas Curran
- Living with intensity: Understanding the sensitivity, excitability, and emotional development of gifted children, adolescents, and adults by Susan Daniels & Michael Piechowski
Schuler (1997, 2000) conducted a study of gifted adolescents in a rural setting, identifying both “healthy” and “dysfunctional” perfectionists.
The dysfunctional perfectionists were plagued by constant anxiety about making mistakes and held excessively high standards for themselves. They often felt that others had unrealistic expectations of them, internalized negative feedback, and struggled to trust their own judgment. Lacking effective coping mechanisms, these individuals also displayed a persistent need for approval from others.
The healthy perfectionists were characterized by a strong desire for order and organization, along with the ability to accept mistakes. They appreciated their parents’ high expectations and developed positive coping strategies for managing their perfectionism. These individuals were also influenced by adults who modeled striving to do their best, and they viewed effort as a crucial element of their perfectionistic tendencies.
“Multidimensional” scales of perfectionism have appeared in research touching on:
- Concern over Mistakes: “I should be upset if I make a mistake.”
- High Personal Standards: “I set higher goals than other people”
- Parental Expectations: “My parents wanted me to be the best in everything.”
- Parental Criticism: “As a child, I was punished for doing things less than perfectly.”
- Doubts about Actions: “Even when I do something very carefully, I often feel that it is not quite right.”
- Organization: “I am very good at focusing my efforts on attaining a goal.”
- Other-Oriented: “If I ask someone to do something, I expect it to be done flawlessly.”
- Socially Prescribed: “The better I do, the better I am expected to do.”
- Self-Oriented: “It makes me uneasy to see an error in my work.”
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