Opening Quotes:
“Expectations tend to rise with accomplishment. The better you’re performing, the more you demand of yourself and the less you notice incremental gains. Appreciating progress depends on remembering how your past self would see your current achievements. If you knew five years ago what you’d accomplish now, how proud would you have been?” – Adam Grant
“Expectations create outcomes. Robert Merton first coined the term self fulfilling prophecy in the late 1940s to describe this phenomenon.” – Scott Barry Kaufman
“Harness both high and low expectations as motivation. If ignorant naysayers doubt you, take it as a challenge. Instead of letting them crush your confidence, recognize it as an opportunity to prove them wrong. And when credible believers are behind you, rise to the occasion and prove them right.” – Adam Grant
“The need in life is to be your own self advocate and to believe in yourself regardless of other people’s expectations.” – Scott Barry Kaufman
“Learn to free yourself from the expectations of others and walk away from the games they impose on you.” – Paul Torrance
Inside and Outside
Sometimes high expectations come from the outside world and sometimes they come from inside ourselves. Oftentimes, high expectations have a profound impact on us and the people around us. People can have high expectations in different areas, making the issue all the more complicated.
For example, a gifted student might set high internal standards for academic excellence and healthy relationships while simultaneously feeling pressure from both parents and peers to excel in extracurricular activities such as sports or the arts. Simultaneously, she might encounter demands from her teachers to lead group projects and demonstrate leadership skills, creating a complex web of expectations that can be overwhelming and stressful.
While literature on giftedness often explores perfectionism and unrealistic expectations, I also encourage discussions in my classes about situations where expectations may feel inadequate, prompting individuals to seek a higher standard. Some individuals are yearning for others to set the bar higher.
Ultimately, we must learn to navigate both the critical comments that come from others and the perfectionistic thoughts that arise within ourselves. It’s up to us to decide where to pursue excellence and where to embrace being ordinary.
Real Life Examples
Sometimes I use the story of gymnast Simone Biles as a talking point for exploring high expectations. Her decision to prioritize her mental health during the Tokyo Olympics serves as a powerful example of the pressures faced by high-achieving individuals. Biles’s choice to step back from competition highlights the importance of recognizing one’s limits, even in the face of external expectations.
This story resonates with many gifted individuals, who often grapple with the tension between striving for excellence and acknowledging their own well-being. Discussing her experience opens up conversations about the complexities of achievement, the stigma surrounding mental health, and the necessity of self-care in high-pressure environments. Biles’s story encourages students to reflect on their own challenges and to understand that it’s okay to seek support and redefine what success means for them.
Life Finds a Way
I also like to discuss John Grisham versus Michael Crichton as a lens for examining different approaches to success. (Grisham is a bestselling author of legal thrillers like A Time to Kill and Crichton was a prolific writer of science fiction and thrillers, including Jurassic Park.)
After obtaining massive success, Grisham’s strategy revolved around simplicity; he focused on crafting engaging stories without overcomplicating his schedule or engaging with fans in a way that would impact his writing process. He emphasized undistracted effort in achieving meaningful results and led a simple life.
In contrast, Michael Crichton struck gold by embracing a lifestyle of extreme busyness, often juggling multiple projects and constantly seeking new opportunities. His relentless pursuit of success and productivity made him a prominent figure in both literature and film. While a high output of work can lead to increased visibility and marketing opportunities, for some people, this would pose significant risks, including both burnout and a lack of depth in subsequent works.
By exploring the contrasting methods of these two authors, people can explore the balance between simplicity and busyness in their own lives. This dialogue invites students to reflect on their own approaches to productivity, creativity, and success, ultimately encouraging them to find a path that aligns with their values and well-being.
Responding to Expectations
The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin explores how individuals respond to expectations and outlines four distinct personality types:
- Upholders: Those who meet both internal and external expectations. They tend to be disciplined and reliable.
- Questioners: Individuals who question all expectations and will meet them only if they see a reason to. They prioritize logic and understanding in their inner world.
- Obligers: Those who meet external expectations but struggle to fulfill internal ones. They often need accountability from others to stay motivated.
- Rebels: Individuals who resist both internal and external expectations. They value autonomy and may reject rules imposed on them.
Rubin explains how understanding these tendencies can enhance self-awareness and improve relationships, productivity, and personal growth by tailoring strategies to fit each type.
In my opinion, The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin lacks extensive scientific evidence and can be better understood through the lens of the Big Five personality traits. It nonetheless serves as a valuable framework for exploring how individuals respond to expectations, and students often resonate with her framework right away.
Questions to Consider
- How do your high expectations impact you? How do they impact others?
- Do you have high expectations around unexpected things (maybe people don’t even know how much you think words matter or how much you think an organized space matters).
- How can we tell when high expectations originate internally and when they come from the outside world (external)?
- Why do people have high expectations in some areas (academics) and not others (appearance/relationships/health)?
- What do high expectations have to do with competition? Have you chosen worthy rivals?
- What do high expectations have to do with following the rules or not following the rules?
- Have you chosen worthy role models for your motivation towards higher expectations?
- How do dissatisfied people with high expectations lead to change and innovation in society?
An Exercise
- What are all the messages you’ve been given that lead to high expectations and high pressure in certain areas (sports, school, etc.)?
- Now that you’ve made that list, take time to create an “expectation bubble.” In other words, what messages are you going to keep close to you, and what messages are you going to let bounce off you?
- What thoughts or phrases will keep your bubble strong? Consider: “I set my own goals. It’s OK to disappoint people in one area in order to excel in another.”
As always, these are optional journal exercises for you to consider or talk over with a parent/caregiver/friend.
Go Deeper
Book: The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin
The Four Tendencies personality test: https://www.pbs.org/weta/gretchen-rubin-roadmap-to-happiness/four-tendencies-quiz/
Book: The Gifted Kids Workbook by Heather Boorman (Activity 23): Dealing With the Pressure of Being Gifted
https://calnewport.com/on-michael-crichtons-busy-ambition/
Book: Hidden Potential by Adam Grant
An Excerpt:
Participants were in a study with a simple game that involved moving circles with their mouse. After they finished a practice round, an observer sent them a message. Some people were randomly assigned to receive high expectations: You will blow others away in this task…. I think you’ve got what it takes to beat all of them. Others got low expectations: Others will blow you away in this task. … I don’t think you’ve got what it takes to beat any of them.
The impact of these expectations depended on who was setting them. High expectations led to greater effort and performance… if they came from someone knowledgeable about the task. But if the observer lacked credibility, being uninformed about the task, the effect reversed: people actually ended up trying harder and doing better when they were doubted rather than encouraged.
When you’re invested in a goal, being doubted by experts is a threat.
They may be credible, but since they don’t recognize your potential, they’re not coaches who will help you improve. Their disbelief quickly becomes your insecurity. It shatters your confidence and stifles your growth. That’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.
But the research suggests that when they come from an uninformed audience, low expectations can become a self-negating prophecy. You’re motivated to shatter their confidence that you won’t succeed. Samir calls it the underdog effect.
Being doubted by novices is a challenge. It fires you up. They’re clueless, so you don’t internalize their low expectations— but you don’t ignore them either. You become driven to defy them. I’ll show you. The doubts that threaten to crush your confidence can become crucibles that fortify it. You feel like an underdog who can beat the odds. – Adam Grant
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